Welcome to my new Android phone!

I am posting to you from my new Android phone!  Get excited, because this means more posts for YOU!  Don't you feel lucky?  Anyway, I will blog again later about all of the awesomeness of my phone later, good night and good luck.

One, Two, Three, Four, I Declare a Thumb War!

I think it's very immature to teach the children of America about the horrors of war and the specifications on its declarations at such a young age.  It takes away their innocence... THINK OF THE CHILDREN!  A better game is ring around the rosy, which teaches children about the plague in Europe and how everyone burned to ashes and fell down dead... THATS NO BETTER!!!!  How about the game where the LONDON BRIDGE FALLS DOWN!!!!!  There must be some good and wholesome children's game... Red Rover! that was a fun game... I used to love clotheslining the shorter kids.  After peek-a-boo it just goes downhill...

THIS BABY WON'T STAND FOR IT!

That baby looks like he's going to grow up to be Darth Vader.  The following quotes are possible things this baby is thinking:

"My laser vision isn't working!"

"When this tooth comes in, I'm gonna bite you so hard!"

"That was a wild night in Vegas!"

"Turn that light off, I'm so hung over!"

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!
-J

Deformaties

This guy...

must live a really hard life!  He can't do things like drive or text on his cellphone!  He can't give you a high five without breaking your arm!  Shampooing his hair is so rough that he is now bald!  When he claps, the sonic booms result in buildings crashing down to earth.  When he thumb wrestles, the thumb wrestles your whole body.  It's very hard for him to manipulate toilet paper as you could imagine.  He uses sleeping bags as mittens when it gets cold.

He has a smile on his face, your life isn't so bad.

-J

Hot off the girl!

You heard it here first, this blog is hot off the girl!  "What does that mean?" you might ask yourself.  Maybe you won't, maybe you just don't care, maybe you don't read this blog... LINDSAY!  This post is for all of my non-readers.  Here are some reasons you should read my blog: It's not translated from a different language, it's not proven that it causes high blood pressure... yet, and it hasn't been convicted of any felonies.  Also banjo's are annoying.
Sorry this was a short post, I got bored and I'm sure you did too!

DONKEY!

CLICK THE ADD! (if it's down there)
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   V

Why can't I find any interesting blogs to read?

I don't know if you've noticed, but at the top of the page there is a button, it looks like this Next Blog>> and it provide hours of disappointment.  If your experience with the next blog button is anything like mine, you began by looking at 50 religious blogs that I am completely uninterested in.  Then you'll be taken to 50 more pages of newly weds and parents of toddlers.  If you've made it this far, blogger realizes that it has not shown you anything you actually want to read because you only stay on each page for enough time to read the title.  Blogger's solution to your boredom is to ONLY show you pages in traditional Chinese which Google gladly translates for you into English so broken, it makes Gary Busey look like... well a functional member of society.

Here is a list of words that no longer sound like words if you repeat them over and over again.

• Here
• is
• a
• list
• of
• words
• that
• no
• longer
• sounds
• like
• if
• you
• repeat
• them
• over
• and
• again

Yeah, I went there.

Super Mario 64 is the best game of all time (for nintendo 64).  It's so addictive and I want to all those stupid shiny stars!  I have 112/120 stars and I've been using all my free time this weekend to get those last 8!

Onto something more interesting... Lay's Barbecue chips are the best Lay's chips on the market.  Pringles are overrated (unless they want to give me a job), and Tostitos not get the credit they deserve.  In addition, DO NOT CONFUSE TOSTITOS AND TOTINOS, one of them is a brand of chips, and the other a brand of pizza rolls! VERY DIFFERENT!

In conclusion, the moon landing was real, the earth is round, and dinosaurs existed (and were cool)!

-J

Another One

Someone told me to write another one, so I guess I'm back by popular demand.

Scrabble, I'm sure you've played it before, especially if your major in college is GAMES.  This game is so frustrating, its the only game that awards 7 points to the word "image" and 38 points to the word "zoo"!  This is ridiculous!  I know people who play scrabble "defensively", I will never win this game!  I can hardly make an English word, I typically just put down random letters that seem to form sounds that I can pronounce and hope that it's in the dictionary.

Moving on, Gilbert Gottfried... I'm sure you have all heard that he was fired from his Aflac contract where his duties include screaming "AFLAC" into a microphone which would later be dubbed onto a duck.  He was fired for posting comical tweets about the situation in Japan "too soon".  His response was this video: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/577ac04770/too-soon-gilbert-gottfried, its hilarious.  Even though the Aflac job didn't involve much effort on Gilbert's part, I am still fighting for him, and fighting for our constitutional right to free speech.  You can go look up Gilbert's tweets, I will not be posting a link to them because I do not want to get fired also.

Moving on, here is a picture of a monkey,

and to all a good night.

-J

Welcome

Good afternoon class,

This is my new and improved blog.  I know you must be wondering a lot of things, "Can I handle the awesomeness?", "Is this harmful to my health?", "Will there be more than three posts?".  All of these answers will be revealed shortly.  The main focus of this blog is to contain words and characters and letters and numbers and pictures and sharks and lasers and Donkey Kong fighting Mario with a light saber.

The rest of this paragraph is only for my readers who are Major League Baseball players, if you are not one, then do not read the rest of this paragraph.  You are a jerk, don't you listen to me!? You are a complete liar, you are NOT a Major League Baseball player!  Why are you still reading this!? STOP IT!

If you were honest and skipped that last paragraph congratulations, however I know that you read it and I am very disappointed in you.  I can not believe you would disobey me like that.  You have broken my trust and now you must earn it back.  As punishment you need the read the stupid paragraph that you just read, have you learned your lesson?

Here are some things that I am not sure about:
  Are plastic coffee cups recyclable?
  Does William Shatner play golf?
  Are you still reading this?

I hope you have made it this far, however if you haven't I am very sorry.  If you stopped reading before this section I would like to present to you some reasons why you should continue to read my blog.  Firstly, this is going to be much more entertaining that what you have read in the preceding paragraphs, I promise.  Secondly, I used the words firstly and secondly.  Thirdly, I used the words secondly and firstly three times each, can you find them?  I'm sure you can!

Sorry you just wasted one of your life reading this.

-J